Well, I guess this will be the first time on this forum that I publicly ‘eat my words’. After reading my previous post, Dad mentioned to me that he was concerned about my choice of words in the second paragraph. I wrote that “those days I shake my fist at God and ask Him why He ever brought me here. Didn’t He hear about MY plans for me?”
And if you’re like Daddy, you may well gasp at the thought of me shaking my fist at my God, the God who is only worthy of reverence and worship. After reading it again, it did sound much more literal than I intended it to, and I hope it did not offend you or make you think me to be on the verge of cursing God.
I guess the idea I was trying to portray was the ridiculousness of me, an itty-bitty speck on the earth, being angry with (or shaking my tiny, powerless fist at) an all-knowing, omnipotent God. The ridiculousness of me doubting His perfect plan for my life and trusting rather in my own.
And yet, in spite of the ridiculousness of it, I do sometimes feel angry at God. I doubt His goodness. I doubt His love. In my heart of hearts I know the truth, but in my weakness I do doubt, and yes, sometimes even cry in anger. I have so many things to grow in…I think of my struggles in comparison to those of Job. He lost everything he had, and yet, when Satan had struck the last blow, Job fell to the ground in worship. I am very afraid that I wouldn’t be able to do that. Help me Lord.
I hope I haven’t forever shocked you with my struggles. I hope you can forgive my blundering words, and that somehow, behind my clumsy weaknesses, people can see the life of Christ within me.
And, just for the record, I changed the wording in my “Honest Post” to something less severe. But those of you who view the post in your email rather than in your browser won’t be able to see the change unless you open it in your browser. So, I just wanted to clarify my feelings so you’re not left thinking something I didn’t mean exactly.
Blessings to you all today. Thank you for your understanding.
Bless you Lori,We spent time in Haiti and I can relate very well…and the HEAT and HUMIDITY was the worst !!! It is not easy, for sure !!!
Hi Lori, i am a mother of 8 who is serving in Kenya. And what do i have in common with you? I am female……i am still adjusting to a new culture…..and sometimes i get upset at God. There’s days when my love for these people flood my heart and there’s days when i want to stomp back to the good ol USA and let these people to what they deserve. (my very fleshly opinion.)
I read the original post and i heard your heart. I also hear your father’s. 😉 I appreciate your honesty and i appreciate your willingness to “eat your words.” God bless you richly as you serve Him in Cambodia, which is a country that has touched my heart for a long time. Tell your parents that i’m proud of them for being willing to take their family the whole way across the world. They’re my heroes.
It’s great to hear from you Darla! Thank you for your comment. I have now found your blog and have thoroughly enjoyed reading about your experiences on the mission field. I’d love to meet you in person some day…if you get tired of the Kenyan experiences, just hop over here to Cambodia and I’m pretty sure our families would have a great time of connecting! =) God bless you!
I love you, Lori, and I love that you share your heart! and I know you well enough that to think of you shaking your fist at God was your way of portraying a deep emotion and not in a bad way 🙂 Culture shock has it’s way of bringing out our true feelings sometimes. Keep on trusting, even if it’s hard. I know you will! Hugsnprayers for each of you every day! 😉
Lori ….. I cried in both posts. I knew what you meant …about shaking a fist. I interpreted it as that of a descriptive of frustration. I was not offended. I think we all at times. shake our little fists so to speak in various ways. I’m sorry that you got reprimanded for sharing your frustrations and discouragements. I love You! Uncle Rog.
Thank you for understanding my posts dear Uncle Rog. I don’t think Daddy meant his suggestion as a reprimand though, and I hope I didn’t make my correction post sound like that…He just wanted me to think about what people who DIDN’T understand that it wasn’t a literal statement might think, and I’m glad (now) that he said something about it. Dad is one of my biggest fans actually, and I just have to be okay with criticism from time to time. =)
Lori.. thanks for sharing your heart in the last two posts. I love honesty.
Anybody can fake but sometimes it takes a lot of courage to be honest.
One of my favorites from scripture… “Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” Jer.17: 7&8
Continue to place your trust and confidence in the Lord!
love you! Donna
Thank you for that Donna! Oh my…I just noticed the part about not fearing when the heat come because its leaves are always green. Wow…I’ll have to remember this one on those days I feel like I’m wilting. Love you too!